Something To Do NOT in Mooville

TODAY, Moovillians, we had sun. And evidently some parts of Outer Mooville attained the grand temperature of 57F degrees. Also, my wonderful assistant chose today to inform me that there are Chipotles that serve margaritas and I have charged her with finding one of those places and getting us there for lunch and I mean THIS week.

The confluence of these things have all conspired to make me wishful for being somewhere else and if ever you find yourself in the Greater Phoenix area, first be SO happy you are not in Mooville... then make sure you are nowhere near the tragic tale that is my brother's sojourn through Stolen Mexico and THEN look around at all the stuff there is that is not a steaming pile of wrong... and there is much that is flat wrong about the mess that is Greater Phoenix... I can go on and on about it... as can my brother...

but I want to tell you about a place you have to go and see...



It is called Pro's Ranch Market and it is a sight to behold (not to be confused with the Ranch Market farmstand out towards Apache Junction which is another sight to behold)...

A Spanish-language hypermarket straight out of central casting-- you'd never guess they were owned by four Italian guys.

The entrance of every one is perfumed with lard and sugar wafting off the biggest, fattest pan dulces... 


vanilla with chopped black walnuts, chocolate rounds that cover your hand, cinnamon polvorones, conchas and butter galetas SO freaking good and directly next to the Oasis of 15 giant jars of Agua Frescas...



Make mine Sandia y Tamarindo mixto, por fa please...

Then on to the cocina to sit down to 8 pieces of grilled chicken, a pound of rice, a pound of beans, 12 tortillas and a container of fresh salsa which will set you back a total of $6.99 and feed your whole family unless you are really set on making a pig of yourself. Plates of carne asada are $2.99 and anything else your heart could ever desire...



That is where you get THIS:



before you're sweet talked into spending time with the highest stacks of the most gorgeous CHEAP produce-- BAGS of roasted green chiles at $1.49 a pound, vats of crema in 5 flavors for $1.79 a pint... I'm not kidding...



This is a big fat pile of fresh chiles (they are roasting them in the parking lot as a sideshow attraction for free RIGHT NOW!) and this



is a big fat pile of key limes and pinas next to it and cucumbers to the side, of course, and potatoes behind... and THIS


is a big fat pile of melonas and lemons and regular limes and then grapefruit...
 
See?

The in-store tortilleria turns out fresh flat breads in every size...



and weekends get you a BBQ in the parking lot! With mariachis!

As a vegetarian, I'm not able to bring myself to show you the giant heads of cattle and I am not kidding you for one minute when I say there are HEADS of cattle in the meat cases... and meat... and chickens and piglets and fish, OH MY! absolutely PILED up in cases that might give you pause (I mean if you're NOT a vegetarian, *I* can't get close to them my own self) if you were ANYwhere else... but you just know the crowds are going to decimate the place and this is The. Freshest. EVERYTHING. you have ever seen, truly...

OMIGOSH!!!! THE VATS OF SALSA!!! 

Yes, in fact that IS $3.99 a pound for guacamole and it is made FRESH FRESH FRESH every day. I mean EVERY day!!

Part grocery, part Sabado Gigante-- Pro's Ranch Markets is everything that is right about supply and demand: Beautiful, fresh, delicious, cheap and FUN, goddamn it.

Perfection. 

________________
Ok, NEXT time is prolly a trip to Sharp Shopper and THEN I swear to dog a NEW (to me) Grocery Outlet

Mooville Roadside Attraction #1: Green Dragon Market

Now here's a thing you really should not deprive yourself of... If you don't have a bucket list, start one and put this on it... you will die a restless spirit if you go without having been to the Green Dragon.

Green Dragon Market
955 North State Street
Ephrata, PA 17522
Telephone (717) 738-1117

If you have the good fortune to be from WESTERN Pennsylvania, you may have had the pleasure of experiencing Pechins in Dunbar, Fayette County when it was across the falling down bridge off Rt. 119 and around the back of that cut before they moved out to their much cleaner, tidier and altogether less satisfactory digs at the Laurel Mall in 2005.

If you have any idea what a Pechins was, you will not need nearly so much convincing to take off work and get your self up out of bed early enough to hit the Green Dragon as it is opening up at 9 AM...

And if you have ever found yourself at the hallucination that is the Sunrise Swap Shop, Circus and 14 Screen Drive-in Theatre just north of Ft. Lauderdale... you think I'm kidding about this? On the BEST drugs I couldn't make that place up... the Green Dragon is like an Amish Sunrise Swap Shop without the abused elephants or the 14 movie screens... I know, I know, who wouldn't want to see THAT but we're talking about STAYcations now... stay with me here...

There's a big out of control flea market on E. Baseline on the way to Apache Junction east of Phoenix off the 60, come to think of it, but I digress...

The Green Dragon is ONLY open on Friday. How do they manage to pay the rent on one day's sales? VOLUME!!!!

Now, don't go expecting the greatest deals in the world necessarily although there are some to be had... the attraction here is the sheer amount of stuff they have managed to cram into 10 acres of sectioned off stalls in 7 enormous buildings. Bring cash. And wear sneakers.

Directions from Mooville:
The scenic route is 45 miles and about an hour and 20 minutes from center city (and I use the word loosely) Harrisburg, PA. Find Rt. 322E and stay with it no matter what until about 40 miles out of town you hit the square of Ephrata and turn L on to PA-272/N Reading Rd. Go about 1.5 miles and make that R at Garden Spot Rd. If you get to Wabash Rd., stop and turn around as you'll have missed it. Less than a mile on Garden Spot later take the R onto North State St. You can NOT miss the signs.

Need to get there 15 minutes faster? Take 283 S to Rt. 30 E at Lancaster. Take the Rt. 222 N interchange towards Reading. Ten or so miles up take Rt. 322 towards Ephrata, merge yourself onto Hahnstown Rd. then L at E. Mohler Church Rd. and stay with it (you'll have to turn right after a mile and a half to do that and then make another one... that Mohler Church does NOT want people from Lancaster to get to the Green Dragon), finally you will see North State Street after about 2 and a half miles of Mohler Church Rd. all told. Half a mile on State St. and you'll be there.

The Turnpike won't get you there any quicker, either, so save the outrageous $2.00 toll on the Harrisburg East to Reading section and see the cows... they're bored to cow tears out in those fields and they will moo with happiness to see you...

I always honk my horn at cows. I think it gives them something to think about.