What’s The Best Goddamned Cup of Coffee You Ever Had?

Dateline: Barbados, 1988 –

Judging from when the interwebz place Hurricane Gilbert, I’d say it was likely about September 6th or 7th of that year that I found myself a guest at the table of a place not far from an odd compound of a resort on Crane Beach. So, St. Philip Parish, if you’re familiar. We had to take a taxi to the restaurant but it wasn’t far… I couldn’t tell you what was on the menu but that cup of coffee still makes me misty.

Dark as the night around the cane fields out there and I can still smell it… Jamaican Blue Mountain the waiter said and I believe they must have been real Blue Mountain beans back then… you could float a skiff on the aroma alone and when I poured the evaporated milk the waiter brought when we asked for cream… it made a sound not unlike the way oil drains out of your oil pan when you’ve let that Jiffy Lube reminder sit on the kitchen counter a couple’a 10 or 20,000 miles too long… “plop” and then it was gone as in desaparecido.

That cup of coffee swallowed the milk up like the whale took Jonah… and I didn’t miss it for a minute… not a bitter note... just pure perfection. I believe I heard angels begin a chorus of “LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH…” or maybe it’s Ri-Ri doing another round of Stay… hey, it was my perfect goddamned cup of coffee, I’ll insert my own goddamned angelic choir… 

If I let myself, thinking about it can just about make me cry…

Ok? You’ve had that cup of coffee somewhere in your life, right?

Yeah. This was not that.

This was another flipping awful cup of coffee topped with an awful plate of VERY. SIMPLE. FOOD. that was too expensive by half if I’d paid for it with YOUR money and it was just another one of those things I canNOT figure out how this town manages to suck at so hard.

Am I to tell you the name of the place I was trying to get some breakfast in about 11:30 this morning after a hard hour and a half of Sharp Shoppering at the Middletown store? Well? Am I? You want to know what Highspire eatery with the parking lot that's always packed gets away with calling the watery stuff that still manages to taste burnt “coffee”? I was trying to find a place to eat on that side of town that doesn’t suck. This wasn’t it.

But I’m not telling you what it is…

INSTEAD:

I’m gonna tell you about the one shining light I HAVE located in this cowtown and it isn’t on the south end of this north-bound town... it’s


American Dream Diner
1933 Herr St.
Harrisburg, PA 17103

Open pretty standard hours and I think they only take cash despite that Mastercard /Visa sticker on the door which ought not be a problem because two of you will get out of here under 15 bucks and that includes a tip and for the love of all that’s holy, tip the woman!

She’s killing herself for you.

Also, pay no nevermind to the window only slightly marred by that .32 hole… it’s across the street from the State Cop’s garage... it might’a just been a stray, yano…

Yelp will tell you all about how to get there (it's right up Herr St. off Cameron up where Arsenal Ys off from it... heading away from town it's just before the Harrisburg East cemetery on the right. So if you get to the cemetery, you passed it) and show you it’s not just me telling you… this is an honest-to-dog diner with my kind of people in it: 

People who are happy because they got to start their day with a cup of coffee that wasn’t swill.

When you walk in a stranger, you don’t get the Harrisburg stare followed by the look up and down and then the blank face that goes back to whatever they were staring at before they were staring at you… Jagoffs.

Not in this place. The true democratic nature of the town hall moved to this shiny aluminum car where you can get a pretty great breakfast and news of the day about any time of day and they have BISCUITS, people... and GRITS! Perfectly fine ones, I’m telling you. Eggs that come out the way you asked for them. Sandwiches and melts, platters and pie and all of it good and some of it really good.

In MOOVILLE!!

I wouldn’ta believed it if I hadn’t seen it and I saw it with mine own eyes. The Man In My House pronounced it: “The only way this food would taste any better is with a hangover.”

Is there hope for this burg? Well, let’s not get carried away.

So, then, what’s the best goddamned cup of coffee YOU ever had, hm?


Next up: Another Bad Food Store.

Mooville Roadside Attraction #2: Kipona

Our good Steven Reed, Harrisburg Mayor For Life, declared the 2008 version of this particular Mooville Roadside Attraction open for business on Saturday, August 30 and so begins my attempt to explain this Mooville Staycation-- Kipona to you, Dear Reader... wish me luck.

Kipona

August 30 - September 1, 2008

Up and Down Front St. and City Island

FREE! You can't pay for this kind of entertainment... I mean... no one would...

This is one of the three reasons each year that Steven Reed, HMFL, closes Front St. from the Harvey Taylor Bridge to Market St. so people can mill around to take in the spectacle.

I have to tell you, I have no idea what a Kipona is. But it qualifies as a roadside attraction by virtue of the fact that it occurs by a roadside... it occurs ON the road, for crying out loud. And the side of the road. And half way across the river on the City island.

This year the sponsors are advertising it as an Art festival (sort of), Bass Fishing Tournament, Boat Race, Kiddie Park, Drum Circle and Chili Cook-Off.

You know there was a committee involved, right?

What does a Rubber Duck fundraiser for the March of Dimes, an Iron Chef demonstration, a bunch of people paddling canoes with dragon heads at the front and dragon tails at the back up and down the Susquehanna River, a rash of bands you've never heard of, a karate tournament, bad fair food and the Bath Fitter company have in common? I mean other than they're ALL happening on Front Street RIGHT NOW?

No. Seriously. I want someone to tell me what the hell ties all this activity together.

I mean. Bath Fitter?

The music , I am so sorry to tell you, is really not the draw with the incredibly notable exception of Darcie Miner who holds forth on a stage next to the Market Street bridge on Monday at noon if it doesn't rain again and drown her set out as it has the last 3 of the 4 times she's been a good enough sport to show back up in Harrisburg to play for free. She's got a real alt.country approach and this chick can rawk... I love her and you do, too, if you've ever seen her. The Martini Bros. are also worthy and are listed to close this moneymaker down at 8:00 PM Monday evening.

The only other thing I can truly get behind would be the fireworks.

They are supposed to be happening at 8:35 PM tonight-- that would be Sunday, August 31 and I have to get a move on here to let you all know about this in time to get over to my secret Harrisburg watching site because I won't miss a fireworks display if I can help it.

I'll even go to a pretty poor showing and I will say that Harrisburg has redeemed many of its shortcomings with decent fireworks. I'm going to cross my fingers and toes to make sure they send the Summer off in a manner becoming the season...

The food is the same bunch of folks hawking the deep-fried fat balls wrapped in powdered sugar and then dipped in chocolate you see at every gathering... you're not expecting haute cuisine, I know, I know but rest assured that if you are feeling a little fat, salt or sugar deficient today, these people will fix you right up.

The Broad Street Market is open part way through the day on Saturday so you can get some good Indian at Curry In A Hurry if you feel the need to eat while you're here. These people operate Passage to India at the bottom of Front Street and that is the only restaurant I would eat in willingly the first three years I lived in Mooville. It is, hands down, the best Indian in town and to this day one of maybe 4 in the city where I would send anyone I liked. I saw cantaloupes for $1.50 at the vegetable stand at the front of the Brick Building and there was some real nice-looking produce at the stand set up between the buildings... very nice peppers... beets... watermelons... the little sweet sugar-babies were a dollar a piece. It wasn't Kipona which is why they were probably the best thing about the day...

But I digress...

The Kipona part makes you pay to go see the Art and I wasn't in any mood by the time I schlepped all the way from Broad Street to Market Street so you're on your own with whether there is anything remotely art-like there. The drumming over at City Island was very primal and rhythmic but I don't know why all these indigenous people come to Harrisburg to drum. Maybe it's to irritate the people who took their land. It worked on me and I swear I bought my house from a guy in San Francisco.

The Kids Village is all slap fulla people painting children's faces and making balloon hats and shoving them on kid's heads and getting them to make what purports to be edible sand art. This seems like a set-up for a real cruel pair of shoes... teach a kid to eat sand then take him to the beach. Nice.

The chili cook-off in the middle of State Street was more Halloween Party than serious chili and I've been to Hatch and I know the smell of real chiles roasting in the air... this wasn't it... Sorry, again...

The weather HAS been cooperating this year. It was overcast mostly yesterday and that kept it from being really pain in the ass hot and sticky... Today it's been a perfect low-humidity, sunny Mooville day... really a sweet fairytale of a day to make you think it will be like this until it gets nice again... I wouldn't ruin a day like this by slogging through the masses at this Kipona thing but maybe you haven't yet filled your dance card of odd things people in Mooville do and if that's the case, you have another unknown band / footbag tourney / art show/ kid ride / drumming day ahead of you.

You really ought to try to catch Darcie Miner...

And don't forget the FIREWORKS!!

Next time: I'll tell you where my secret firework peering place is and where to see the best fireworks in Mooville.

Mooville Roadside Attraction #1: Green Dragon Market

Now here's a thing you really should not deprive yourself of... If you don't have a bucket list, start one and put this on it... you will die a restless spirit if you go without having been to the Green Dragon.

Green Dragon Market
955 North State Street
Ephrata, PA 17522
Telephone (717) 738-1117

If you have the good fortune to be from WESTERN Pennsylvania, you may have had the pleasure of experiencing Pechins in Dunbar, Fayette County when it was across the falling down bridge off Rt. 119 and around the back of that cut before they moved out to their much cleaner, tidier and altogether less satisfactory digs at the Laurel Mall in 2005.

If you have any idea what a Pechins was, you will not need nearly so much convincing to take off work and get your self up out of bed early enough to hit the Green Dragon as it is opening up at 9 AM...

And if you have ever found yourself at the hallucination that is the Sunrise Swap Shop, Circus and 14 Screen Drive-in Theatre just north of Ft. Lauderdale... you think I'm kidding about this? On the BEST drugs I couldn't make that place up... the Green Dragon is like an Amish Sunrise Swap Shop without the abused elephants or the 14 movie screens... I know, I know, who wouldn't want to see THAT but we're talking about STAYcations now... stay with me here...

There's a big out of control flea market on E. Baseline on the way to Apache Junction east of Phoenix off the 60, come to think of it, but I digress...

The Green Dragon is ONLY open on Friday. How do they manage to pay the rent on one day's sales? VOLUME!!!!

Now, don't go expecting the greatest deals in the world necessarily although there are some to be had... the attraction here is the sheer amount of stuff they have managed to cram into 10 acres of sectioned off stalls in 7 enormous buildings. Bring cash. And wear sneakers.

Directions from Mooville:
The scenic route is 45 miles and about an hour and 20 minutes from center city (and I use the word loosely) Harrisburg, PA. Find Rt. 322E and stay with it no matter what until about 40 miles out of town you hit the square of Ephrata and turn L on to PA-272/N Reading Rd. Go about 1.5 miles and make that R at Garden Spot Rd. If you get to Wabash Rd., stop and turn around as you'll have missed it. Less than a mile on Garden Spot later take the R onto North State St. You can NOT miss the signs.

Need to get there 15 minutes faster? Take 283 S to Rt. 30 E at Lancaster. Take the Rt. 222 N interchange towards Reading. Ten or so miles up take Rt. 322 towards Ephrata, merge yourself onto Hahnstown Rd. then L at E. Mohler Church Rd. and stay with it (you'll have to turn right after a mile and a half to do that and then make another one... that Mohler Church does NOT want people from Lancaster to get to the Green Dragon), finally you will see North State Street after about 2 and a half miles of Mohler Church Rd. all told. Half a mile on State St. and you'll be there.

The Turnpike won't get you there any quicker, either, so save the outrageous $2.00 toll on the Harrisburg East to Reading section and see the cows... they're bored to cow tears out in those fields and they will moo with happiness to see you...

I always honk my horn at cows. I think it gives them something to think about.